I’m lying here in my bed and it’s 1:40am. I can hear the gentle rain hitting the concrete and the cool breeze tumbling through the trees.
My head aches, and I can’t rest.
I’m supposed to take a calculus exam in the morning. I haven’t applied myself for weeks, and have such a pathetic spiraling amount of self pity that it’s humorously difficult to bring myself out of it.
I catch myself drawing nature scenes with mountains and soaring eagles, creatures from other worlds, on the sides of my papers.
The technical studies are not for me.
I feel awful, really. It’s not because people are telling me I should be ashamed of myself for not caring about my college courses… rather I can imagine them snarling at me about it.
I struggle with the thought that my worth is determined by my GPA.
I don’t have the motivation to complete school just because people said it’d be worth it. So far, I’ve had to pay hundreds of dollars in text books for classes that hardly use the books, toward an unknown, “worth it” career. The most that has come of this is Brandon.
I met him in lab chemistry last quarter, and we’ve been inseparable for months. I’ve never felt more appreciated by a person before. He tries to get me to try in calculus and physics, but the only thing I can focus on is the idea of being done for the year, working in the garden and going on a hike or two.
I’m unhappy with my job, school, where I live, and society. Around me, college students earn their degrees just to go back to sitting on the couch playing video games, wondering what next? My job pays too little, my boss is nuts. I’m tired of living with my parents. Our lifestyles and beliefs are so different there’s a constant clash.
I want change, but am terrified of the very thing that may set me free.
I just needed to write.