Get on the horse.

I often define myself by my irrational fears. Evergoing thoughts about my own dystopic future, and regrets about the long gone past.

I worry about making the wrong decisions and never being able to correct my errors, or how my past decisions could be the errors that completely define my future. Come on, you know you do it too, even if it’s infrequent. 😜

I personally have trouble keeping on because I have no confidence or courage.

You know, this one time, I was really worried I was going to fail a math class, and I didn’t know what I was going to do if I did. If I fail this class, I won’t receive financial aid, then I won’t be able to attend school, then I won’t be able to land a job. I’ll be homeless then die! I thought. I shamefully dragged my way on over to a college counselor and told him my problem. My own judgment was crippling me on the inside, but at the time, I didn’t slow down to realize it was mine and not his. He advised me, and that was his job. My job was to take it and just deal with the situation. [I did, and didn’t fail, due to a burst of motivation in the final moments].

I didn’t really want to deal with my problem, I’ll give you that. I don’t enjoy confronting my fears, especially when it involves the possible judgment from others. But there the solution sat, in a nice shirt and tie, about to tell me it’s going to be fine and I’d be able to do this, that and the other. Just going to him took a load of anxiety off my chest. Overcoming my fear of confrontation was a huge feat of mental strength.

Then it hit me. This whole time, I have been responsible for all of my actions and their consequences. I chose to let it or make it happen; I chose  to be upset about it. Most importantly, I chose to pick myself up and keep going, even if it was emotionally and energetically taxing. I could get myself into a metaphorical pit of quicksand and there’d always be a way out, difficult or easy, slow or fast.

It’ll work out in the end if you let it.
You’re the boss of your life, now act the part.

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A cute photo of me and this invasive Tent Caterpillar who decided to hop on my shoe for a ride.

It needs to change.

I’m lying here in my bed and it’s 1:40am. I can hear the gentle rain hitting the concrete and the cool breeze tumbling through the trees.
My head aches, and I can’t rest.

I’m supposed to take a calculus exam in the morning. I haven’t applied myself for weeks, and have such a pathetic spiraling amount of self pity that it’s humorously difficult to bring myself out of it.
I catch myself drawing nature scenes with mountains and soaring eagles, creatures from other worlds, on the sides of my papers.
The technical studies are not for me.

I feel awful, really. It’s not because people are telling me I should be ashamed of myself for not caring about my college courses… rather I can imagine them snarling at me about it.
I struggle with the thought that my worth is determined by my GPA.

I don’t have the motivation to complete school just because people said it’d be worth it. So far, I’ve had to pay hundreds of dollars in text books for classes that hardly use the books, toward an unknown, “worth it” career. The most that has come of this is Brandon.

I met him in lab chemistry last quarter, and we’ve been inseparable for months. I’ve never felt more appreciated by a person before. He tries to get me to try in calculus and physics, but the only thing I can focus on is the idea of  being done for the year, working in the garden and going on a hike or two.

I’m unhappy with my job, school, where I live, and society. Around me, college students earn their degrees just to go back to sitting on the couch playing video games, wondering what next? My job pays too little, my boss is nuts. I’m tired of living with my parents. Our lifestyles and beliefs are so different there’s a constant clash.

I want change, but am terrified of the very thing that may set me free.

I just needed to write.

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When physics lets me down.

So done.