Get on the horse.

I often define myself by my irrational fears. Evergoing thoughts about my own dystopic future, and regrets about the long gone past.

I worry about making the wrong decisions and never being able to correct my errors, or how my past decisions could be the errors that completely define my future. Come on, you know you do it too, even if it’s infrequent. 😜

I personally have trouble keeping on because I have no confidence or courage.

You know, this one time, I was really worried I was going to fail a math class, and I didn’t know what I was going to do if I did. If I fail this class, I won’t receive financial aid, then I won’t be able to attend school, then I won’t be able to land a job. I’ll be homeless then die! I thought. I shamefully dragged my way on over to a college counselor and told him my problem. My own judgment was crippling me on the inside, but at the time, I didn’t slow down to realize it was mine and not his. He advised me, and that was his job. My job was to take it and just deal with the situation. [I did, and didn’t fail, due to a burst of motivation in the final moments].

I didn’t really want to deal with my problem, I’ll give you that. I don’t enjoy confronting my fears, especially when it involves the possible judgment from others. But there the solution sat, in a nice shirt and tie, about to tell me it’s going to be fine and I’d be able to do this, that and the other. Just going to him took a load of anxiety off my chest. Overcoming my fear of confrontation was a huge feat of mental strength.

Then it hit me. This whole time, I have been responsible for all of my actions and their consequences. I chose to let it or make it happen; I chose  to be upset about it. Most importantly, I chose to pick myself up and keep going, even if it was emotionally and energetically taxing. I could get myself into a metaphorical pit of quicksand and there’d always be a way out, difficult or easy, slow or fast.

It’ll work out in the end if you let it.
You’re the boss of your life, now act the part.


A cute photo of me and this invasive Tent Caterpillar who decided to hop on my shoe for a ride.


Today was a slightly different Saturday than most. This Saturday, I spent time with my mother. We went to the zoo; something we haven’t done since I was little.

We enjoyed the animals. We talked about the controversy surrounding captive elephants,
and past lives, and bought a bag of kettle corn in which I accidentally tore a small hole. while waiting in line to buy it, I witnessed three stupid teenage girls chasing a peacock trying to take a photo with it. It turned around and pecked them. They seemed shocked.

I had to be at work at two. Earlier in the day I had received a few group messages from work saying how a raccoon somehow got in last night and destroyed everything. Seeing as how we run a small, local produce market…this was very bad.

When I got there, I was bombarded with stories, and evidence of this furry bandit. It somehow had gotten in through the skylight, taken a shit on the apple display twice, and proceeded to walk all throughout the store.
It went into the checkout, knocking over several jars of olive oil and thick, oozing honey onto our tiled floor. It had cut its poor little mini-human paws on the glass and panicked. Trying to escape, it had ripped apart our blinds  and waddled with its sticky, oily paws all over the boxes, counters, in the empty cash registers, and up on our tortilla chip display.

The evidence was everywhere. I do not like poopy, sticky, oily, bloody evidence, my furry friend. I’m sorry you smelled our delicious fruits and veggies and decided to fall in from the ceiling. I’m sorry we have to clean it up and rid of everythinh, too. That’s a lot of money gone down the drain. That’s a funny saying, because, at one point I actually had to wash the money… could say I was laundering money! Har Har har. Funny.

I spent too long cleaning and dealing with the occasional cold shoulder from my coworkers. One takes everything too personally, is grumpy all day then makes me do more of the work because he “doesn’t feel like it,” he says. The other supposedly had a mutual breakup with his now former girlfriend, which greatly saddens me. They were amazing, but she didn’t really want to stay together because he’s not earning enough money. She can’t see herself having a family with someone earning as little as him (about 20 bucks an hour between two jobs).

People really think that way. Money really does matter more than love to some. I can see why he’s so upset, and treating me like I’m mediocre at my job. It just hurts and I have grown tired of these bad mood days. When I’m in a bad mood, I just don’t talk to anybody. Why can’t you do the same instead of raining on my already – disappointing parade?

I mostly had a good day. I am figuring out what I don’t like and what needs to change, but the process is near unbearable. It’s not the furry bandito’s fault, that’s a given.

My eyes are drooping as I write this from my phone. I think it’s time to sleep. The faint smell of the left over kettle corn my mother left for me on my bed is oddly therapeutic. Goodnight everyone.

It needs to change.

I’m lying here in my bed and it’s 1:40am. I can hear the gentle rain hitting the concrete and the cool breeze tumbling through the trees.
My head aches, and I can’t rest.

I’m supposed to take a calculus exam in the morning. I haven’t applied myself for weeks, and have such a pathetic spiraling amount of self pity that it’s humorously difficult to bring myself out of it.
I catch myself drawing nature scenes with mountains and soaring eagles, creatures from other worlds, on the sides of my papers.
The technical studies are not for me.

I feel awful, really. It’s not because people are telling me I should be ashamed of myself for not caring about my college courses… rather I can imagine them snarling at me about it.
I struggle with the thought that my worth is determined by my GPA.

I don’t have the motivation to complete school just because people said it’d be worth it. So far, I’ve had to pay hundreds of dollars in text books for classes that hardly use the books, toward an unknown, “worth it” career. The most that has come of this is Brandon.

I met him in lab chemistry last quarter, and we’ve been inseparable for months. I’ve never felt more appreciated by a person before. He tries to get me to try in calculus and physics, but the only thing I can focus on is the idea of  being done for the year, working in the garden and going on a hike or two.

I’m unhappy with my job, school, where I live, and society. Around me, college students earn their degrees just to go back to sitting on the couch playing video games, wondering what next? My job pays too little, my boss is nuts. I’m tired of living with my parents. Our lifestyles and beliefs are so different there’s a constant clash.

I want change, but am terrified of the very thing that may set me free.

I just needed to write.


When physics lets me down.

So done.

Another fortune


Insight as to what this means would be greatly appreciated! Also, this week is no time for heavy writing – lots of college work. However, I’d like to share with you I’ve been successfully defeating insomnia by lying in bed earlier than when I want to sleep. I find myself dozing off at an earlier time… Sweet relief.

By budgiebuddy Posted in Other

Strangers – Just Friends You Haven’t Met Yet

Often, we don’t want to make eye contact, talk to, or do anything with someone we don’t know. The thing is, these strangers are just friends who we haven’t yet met.

While there are some things that we should avoid in life, I don’t believe people should be one of them. Reaching out is how we meet our closest friends and loved ones, come across new job opportunities, and most of all, have fun.

Happy New Year, everyone. Do not wish for this year to go well, make this year go well. You’re in charge of your life, after all!



The Beauty of Math

“When will we ever use this in real life?” asked the math students.

Well, this is where math is found: everywhere. It’s not that mathematicians created equations to aid them in calculations…it’s that they discovered them. They were already there, and we just happened to stumble upon them through intelligent, ceaseless effort.


The Complexity of it All

Sometimes, I think to myself. I think to myself about connectivity of everything: everything we’ve ever known, ever will know, is all woven together. It’s all so beautiful, and I can’t help but cry. You might think I’m being cheesy, but that’s okay. I’m happy. I hope you all have a wonderful day – truly.


How the Media Portrayed Women in 2013

As the majority of advertising stoops to new lows, it becomes more evident how there are two different societies that exist. There’s the society that people think/want to live in, and the society they do live in.

There are the natural people, and there are the “computer generated” people, as portrayed by the media. All too often, human beings of both genders aspire to be like these pore-lacking, tan-skinned, digitally rebuilt/enhanced models. These models frequently don’t even look like their digitally-enhanced selves. To try and change one’s body to fit the specs of an inhuman, unnatural thing, is unwise; it endangers one’s health, and encourages the problem.

So why do we do it?

Advertisements. “That can’t be the case. I just tune them out,” I said, until I heard this woman speak….

Just look a little closer; realize you are beautiful how you are, how loved you are, how much of an angel you are, without being in a Victoria’s Secret fashion spread.